It is that time of the year where I try to settle down and reflect on the past year. Of course the Supreme's song, 'Reflections' always runs through my mind. When you are deep in the trenches you don't realize you are changing, it isn't until you can look back do you realize that real changes took place. This year out of all years I feel that I had the biggest transformation.
I turned 30 at the beginning of 2013. I was really dreading letting go of my 20's. My 20's brought me so much, a husband, 4 kids. It felt like I was closing a chapter and starting a new one. Well I have managed to survive the first paragraph of my new chapter. The biggest accomplishment this year is that I am still breathing. I still have a heartbeat. It was a rough year, yet one of many new beginnings.
Anxiety is another word that consumes 2013. It was in 2013 that my anxiety tried to consume me. It is still a daily battle, but I am more convinced that I can control it in 2014 than I ever was in 2013. It sucks and until you have experienced it yourself, you can never truly understand it. It doesn't make me a weak person, it doesn't make me fragile. It makes me human. It makes me enjoy life more. I have come to cherish the quiet moments and the times that I can have fun. Normal activities to most people, become triumphs to me. It has also taught me to cling to the Lord even more and my spiritual relationship is growing stronger. In my anxiety I have come to understand my Mom. I owe her a big apology. I am still not quite sure why the anxiety didn't hit me until I was older. My Mom started hers at 18. I figured I had passed the time frame and I was immune. My life didn't become harder or more stressed, in fact it feels like things are finally calming down. I do know it is hereditary and that my children will more than likely be effected by it.
This year brought some renewal and closure as well. New relationships were formed or renewed, others were put to bed. My heart was healed, and it allowed something wonderful to happen. The most difficult thing to do in life is to forgive. I am becoming much better at letting things go and moving on. I am not perfect and I still have a few grudges, but a huge weight was lifted this year. I am still praying on the other ones and hope to be completely free next year.
The kids are all growing up and becoming more independent. It breaks my heart and fills my heart at the same time. It's hard and time consuming, but Russ and I have done a pretty darn good job. I realize this when I go out and see how other kids act. They may drive us crazy, but they are angels compared to most. Now we aren't even near the teenage years, so I will get back to you then. But they should still be angels, right? :)
During these new relationships, kids, anxiety, transformation, Russ and I grew closer. Not sure how that is possible, since we have been joined at the hip for over 14 years. In times of frustration, my husband chose to treat me with respect and love and that means the world to me. My husband keeps me grounded and he makes me laugh when I need it the most.
I am looking forward to 2014. I keep hearing the word prosperous. I feel like this year is going to be awesome! In 2014, I plan on relaxing more and taking one day at a time, learning how to breath and enjoy myself.
I hope you all have a healthy, wonderful, prosperous 2014. Until next year! :)
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